CO CHI FAI L’AMORE? – the ‘uncomfortable’ questions from Marche grandmothers
“Co chi fai l’amore?” It is one of the most emblematic and affectionate forms of curiosity that grandmothers, aunts, and, in general, the ‘Vergare’ (the female figures of authority in the peasant family) show toward young people. It is a direct and conversational way of asking who someone is seeing, whether they are dating, or whether they are in a relationship. Behind this question, which may seem intrusive but is full of tenderness, lies the typical curiosity of families from the Marche region about the love stories of their grandchildren.
The expression comes from Italian, but in the Marchigian dialect it takes on a much more familiar and playful tone. “Making love”, in this context, does not have the modern meaning of physical intimacy, but rather represents the idea of having a romantic relationship or dating someone. In the Marche region, and especially in farming families, the emotional bond between relatives was and still is strong, and these questions were (and still are) a way to feel close, sharing in and taking part in the romantic lives of the younger ones.
If you return home after a long time, you gather for a family dinner, especially during the holidays, almost certainly grandma or your aunt will greet you with a: “Allora, co chi fai l’amore?”. It’s a funny and straightforward way to ask about your love life. Often, this question doesn’t require a serious answer; a smile or an “there’s no one” is enough to make the women in the family start speculating and imagining potential future boyfriends or girlfriends.
This expression is also linked to a form of social control, which was typical of rural communities, where everyone knew everyone. In these contexts, knowing who someone was dating also meant reassuring oneself about the smoothness of relationships within the community.
However, the modern use of this expression has become more playful and affectionate, a reminder of the times when engagements were almost a family matter, but today it is said in an ironic and loving tone.
“CO CHI FAI L’AMORE?” is not just a question: it is a sign of affection, a little family ritual, a window open to the hearts of young people, always under the watchful and loving eye of grandmothers and aunts from the Marche region.
